Before I start on this post I just want to clarify to anyone reading this tripe that it isn't MEANT to be read for entertainment or to inform the world at large about how/ who I am.
I write in this blog to keep a track on anxiety and how I'm dealing with it.
Anxiety is going OK.
The "ruminations" and anger arn't tho. Carol, my MIL really pisses me off
I sometimes wish she would drop off the edge of the world
disappear
I HATE the way that she has got a heap of crap set up in her house for Bridget. Little table and chairs, dolls, all the toys that open and shut. I hate the way she talks to B
I hate the way she says" my girl' when referring to her aaaaarrrggghhh!
I just hve to push through it and try not to think about and fixate on her. It ruins my life
I just need to forget about her when I am in my own home with B and out and about with B
block it out
take deep breaths and do something to distract me from the thoughts
i have no idea why I make her so BIG in my life
OK - off to take my herbs andhead to bed xx
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
oestrogen
I am ovulating right now, or have ovulated over night - unsure, but I can feel it. To the left.
So this was another long cycle.
I had a pretty bad night as far as sleep goes.
It's so noisy at night.
I had the wiondow open because it was hot, or I was hot.
Add to that Rob's loud breathing and hacking cough in the middle of the night.
Bridget calling out at one stage.
Noisy cars zooming up the street.
Ugh. I am knackered. I have to work today on a class that needs me not to be tired.
Feeling anxiety too. That old feeling in the chest and stomach where I have to take a deep breath to stop myself from feeling like I'm suffocating.
I'm wondering if my mental state is affected by hormones after all. Oestrogen is peaking right now. I feel fine mostly, just unable to relax.
I will have to do some research into oestrogen and it's effects on the body.
So this was another long cycle.
I had a pretty bad night as far as sleep goes.
It's so noisy at night.
I had the wiondow open because it was hot, or I was hot.
Add to that Rob's loud breathing and hacking cough in the middle of the night.
Bridget calling out at one stage.
Noisy cars zooming up the street.
Ugh. I am knackered. I have to work today on a class that needs me not to be tired.
Feeling anxiety too. That old feeling in the chest and stomach where I have to take a deep breath to stop myself from feeling like I'm suffocating.
I'm wondering if my mental state is affected by hormones after all. Oestrogen is peaking right now. I feel fine mostly, just unable to relax.
I will have to do some research into oestrogen and it's effects on the body.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Wednesday
Well things are going along OK. Our visitors have been great. Simon is a great cook and is keen to oblige. He made Thai chicken last night with a tasty green salad. Yummo. A couple of nights before that he made spag bol. from scratch which was a lot nicer than the sauce out of a jar! hehe I have doubts that he gets to spend so long on cooking at home - he would work long hours.
Anyway, anxiety levels are good I think. I feel OK. The only thing that "gets me going" at the moment is Carol (the MIL). and Emma. When I picked up Bridget last Monday they had the swing out - ugh. It's really quite ludricrous. They have Bridget once a week and they have just about everything that opens and shuts in that house for her. It's crazy! It makes me feel under pressure for some reason. I think it is because it is visual proof that Carol has nothing else going on in her life - she is devoting a lot of money and thinking and planning towards my daughter - and she only has her for one day a week. I feel that pressure on me - to - what? Give her more?? And, I don't want to give Carol more of Bridget. That's the whole issue. I don't TRUST her with my daughter - she has done a good job of fucking up her own daughter. I don't Bridget grwoing up to be another Emma. More of that later
The interest rates rose this morning - so - hopefully Robert an I will be able to get through without me having to go back to full time work. Hopefully we will be able to get through with me to the odd extra casual days to make up for it. We will jus have to pull back on a few things.
Anxiety levels are OK - did I already say that? I think the herbs must be doing a good job. I will most definitely reorder this Friday. I am feeling a bit ho-hum today though - tired and not really interested in getting out and about. I think ovulation must be approaching. I have noticed that when I am ovulating from the left side - which is the short cycle - I get VERY emo. Will have to keep an eye on it and ask around as to whether it would be better to be on the pill.
It is cycle day 12 today so if I am going to ovulate it will be in the next couple of days.
Anyway, anxiety levels are good I think. I feel OK. The only thing that "gets me going" at the moment is Carol (the MIL). and Emma. When I picked up Bridget last Monday they had the swing out - ugh. It's really quite ludricrous. They have Bridget once a week and they have just about everything that opens and shuts in that house for her. It's crazy! It makes me feel under pressure for some reason. I think it is because it is visual proof that Carol has nothing else going on in her life - she is devoting a lot of money and thinking and planning towards my daughter - and she only has her for one day a week. I feel that pressure on me - to - what? Give her more?? And, I don't want to give Carol more of Bridget. That's the whole issue. I don't TRUST her with my daughter - she has done a good job of fucking up her own daughter. I don't Bridget grwoing up to be another Emma. More of that later
The interest rates rose this morning - so - hopefully Robert an I will be able to get through without me having to go back to full time work. Hopefully we will be able to get through with me to the odd extra casual days to make up for it. We will jus have to pull back on a few things.
Anxiety levels are OK - did I already say that? I think the herbs must be doing a good job. I will most definitely reorder this Friday. I am feeling a bit ho-hum today though - tired and not really interested in getting out and about. I think ovulation must be approaching. I have noticed that when I am ovulating from the left side - which is the short cycle - I get VERY emo. Will have to keep an eye on it and ask around as to whether it would be better to be on the pill.
It is cycle day 12 today so if I am going to ovulate it will be in the next couple of days.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
So far ....so good!
Well, they have arrived and so far so good. Bridget has another fucking cold so is having disturbed nights anyway, but the night went well. It's nice having them here and my anxiety levels are doing fine - reminds me - better go and have my herbs!! haha
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