Holy Moley!

Reading over my posts from waaaaaaay back then, I can see what a black hole I was in!
My first instinct is to get rid of them! Delete all posts and cancel, or whatever, the whole blog.
But, having read over them, maybe I should leave them there as a bit of therapy for myself.

I can look back and think "Thank god I call that community health social worker and spewed out all of my anxiety and depression issues. Thank god I went to see her! Thank god I took her advice and made an appt. with my GP. Thank god she prescribed me Cipramil!!"

It took me a couple of mon ths, but once I started in January 2008, I haven't looked back.

It is now over 12 months later and I am 27 weeks pregnant with baby no#2 - something I thought I would never be able to achieve emotionally. I am happy. I am a good mum, a good wife. I work 3 days a week and enjoy it.

I have a better relationship with my MIL (though it will never be great). I have better friendships.

Now, I want to start a beautiful blog like some of my online friends have, that share wonderful and positive things that are going on in theri lives, instead of whinging and complaining about how crap my life is.

I will start another blog.

Bloody MIL

Before I start on this post I just want to clarify to anyone reading this tripe that it isn't MEANT to be read for entertainment or to inform the world at large about how/ who I am.

I write in this blog to keep a track on anxiety and how I'm dealing with it.

Anxiety is going OK.

The "ruminations" and anger arn't tho. Carol, my MIL really pisses me off

I sometimes wish she would drop off the edge of the world

disappear

I HATE the way that she has got a heap of crap set up in her house for Bridget. Little table and chairs, dolls, all the toys that open and shut. I hate the way she talks to B
I hate the way she says" my girl' when referring to her aaaaarrrggghhh!

I just hve to push through it and try not to think about and fixate on her. It ruins my life

I just need to forget about her when I am in my own home with B and out and about with B

block it out

take deep breaths and do something to distract me from the thoughts

i have no idea why I make her so BIG in my life

OK - off to take my herbs andhead to bed xx

oestrogen

I am ovulating right now, or have ovulated over night - unsure, but I can feel it. To the left.
So this was another long cycle.
I had a pretty bad night as far as sleep goes.
It's so noisy at night.
I had the wiondow open because it was hot, or I was hot.
Add to that Rob's loud breathing and hacking cough in the middle of the night.
Bridget calling out at one stage.
Noisy cars zooming up the street.
Ugh. I am knackered. I have to work today on a class that needs me not to be tired.

Feeling anxiety too. That old feeling in the chest and stomach where I have to take a deep breath to stop myself from feeling like I'm suffocating.

I'm wondering if my mental state is affected by hormones after all. Oestrogen is peaking right now. I feel fine mostly, just unable to relax.

I will have to do some research into oestrogen and it's effects on the body.

Wednesday

Well things are going along OK. Our visitors have been great. Simon is a great cook and is keen to oblige. He made Thai chicken last night with a tasty green salad. Yummo. A couple of nights before that he made spag bol. from scratch which was a lot nicer than the sauce out of a jar! hehe I have doubts that he gets to spend so long on cooking at home - he would work long hours.

Anyway, anxiety levels are good I think. I feel OK. The only thing that "gets me going" at the moment is Carol (the MIL). and Emma. When I picked up Bridget last Monday they had the swing out - ugh. It's really quite ludricrous. They have Bridget once a week and they have just about everything that opens and shuts in that house for her. It's crazy! It makes me feel under pressure for some reason. I think it is because it is visual proof that Carol has nothing else going on in her life - she is devoting a lot of money and thinking and planning towards my daughter - and she only has her for one day a week. I feel that pressure on me - to - what? Give her more?? And, I don't want to give Carol more of Bridget. That's the whole issue. I don't TRUST her with my daughter - she has done a good job of fucking up her own daughter. I don't Bridget grwoing up to be another Emma. More of that later

The interest rates rose this morning - so - hopefully Robert an I will be able to get through without me having to go back to full time work. Hopefully we will be able to get through with me to the odd extra casual days to make up for it. We will jus have to pull back on a few things.

Anxiety levels are OK - did I already say that? I think the herbs must be doing a good job. I will most definitely reorder this Friday. I am feeling a bit ho-hum today though - tired and not really interested in getting out and about. I think ovulation must be approaching. I have noticed that when I am ovulating from the left side - which is the short cycle - I get VERY emo. Will have to keep an eye on it and ask around as to whether it would be better to be on the pill.

It is cycle day 12 today so if I am going to ovulate it will be in the next couple of days.

So far ....so good!

Well, they have arrived and so far so good. Bridget has another fucking cold so is having disturbed nights anyway, but the night went well. It's nice having them here and my anxiety levels are doing fine - reminds me - better go and have my herbs!! haha

Hmmmm

....I see the time thingy is out on this blog. Annoying - coz people reading it will think that I'm up at 1am! NOT - unless Bridget is awake too and ten I'm not likely to be sitting up here typing a blog post am I?! More likely soothing a crying teether or drugging up to eleviate a snotty nose.

OK - anxiety levels are OK today. I have a day off though. Million things to do but couldn;t be bothered type of feeling - but the things are not bothering me too much.

My old best friend is coming to stay with us this Friday for a week. She has her husband, a three yr old boy and a 3 mth old baby in toe. My anxiety levels will no doubt be through the roof due to a messed up routine. Hopefully there wont be any. Unfortunately Bridget's room is smack bang between Jack's and their's. If Jack disturbs her or Sophie disturbs her - then I am disturbed as well. UGH.

But, I'm trying not to think about it too much coz Bridget has surprised us in the past.

The last couple of nights Bridget has been unsettled but she is pushing throug a couple of teeth and appears to have a low grade head cold - just a small amoaunt of snot. I know it will pass soon and all will return to normal.

I'm looking forward to taking advantage of the dark mornings due to daylight savings fro a while.

I was thinking this morning that I should pop B in the pram and go for a quick walk at this time of day. She is fed breakfast at around 8am on days like these and isn;t ready for sleep till 9.30. That's heaps of time. And it might make a difference to my weight and my anxiety levels.

At night time after B has gone to bed I should go for a quick walk too by myself.

I managed to get the carpet cleaning put off till tomorrow and he is coming at 11am which is infinately better than 10am. My eye appt was put off till next Wednesday though as Kim has to be with her mum as she recovers from an operation. So, all we have to do today is swimming. I am going to have a nap this afternoon with Bridget then if all is weel we will go to the supermarket and do a shop.

See, here I go again - planning everything - when perhaps I should leave it open and save the grocery shopping till tomorrow when Rob will be home. I'm hopefully catching up with Leah tomorrow and we will have our babes weighed and measured etc.

So, all in all nothing pressing. Life is good and I should just appreciate all that it is offering. I need to stop and smell the roses every now and then. People keep telling me this but I always forget to.

Try not to get overwhelmed by the drama that is going on around you, Karelle. Your first reaction is probably to exaggerate the situation to such a degree that the facts become completely distorted. This way of dealing with problems is extremely ineffective, and actually quite immature. By clearly analyzing the facts in front of you, you will find that the issues are much less of a problem than you first thought.

hahahaha! They are my stars for today and should be advice that I am given EVERYDAY!

Anyway, must be off and take my herbs.

Ok here we go!

Right!
Anxiety levels today were pretty good.
Until this afternoon when Rob told me he could not take Wednesday off.
Which meant that Wednesday would be a totally shit day
I have the carpet cleaner coming at 10am
Totally fucked time for me as Bridget would be sleeping. I need her to sleep way past 10am so that she is in a good mood for swimming at 12noon.
Also, I have an appt at 4pm. Rob cannot get home by then either so that would mean I would have to take Bridget which I cannot. She is crawling and would cause havoc in the salon. She would be really crappy in the pram too....... unless I take something for her to munch on.....I'll come back to that idea later.

OK - so I rang the carpet cleaner guy and he said he would call me back tonight. I would prefer him to do it on Thursday - which is when Rob said he could take the day off. I fhe can do it Thursday at a time I want then it will be fine. If not then the hallway carpet does not get cleaned full stop!


I really got myself in a tizz about it all.


Why????

I said to Rob that it was because the two days that I have off work are two days that I essentially use to do stuff - catch up on stuff - have appointments - mail things, buy things, wash things, iron things.

I guess my anxiety is due to time pressures

We'll come to anxiety caused by my mother-in-law another time ha-ha!

Time pressures. I need to get this this and this done. Bridget will sleep from now till then and I need to get this this and this done. She is going to be awake from now till then, OK lets get this this and this done before she needs another sleep.

Phew! Rush rush rush! Maybe that is the problem. I have my life too structured? I'm trying to do too much? I'm too inflexible and place too much presure on myself to have everything go RIGHT!? Is that it?

I think so....

I need to change my way of thinking and I need to change the things that I do to include a bitof time out to do NOTHING! Just relax.